Mm I guess I experienced the biggest blow I've ever had at around the end of October. I'll remember every little detail that happened within that 24-hour period. The good and the bad, as usual. ?OCTOBER2009, I'll never forget you. The span of the beginning of October to the end of October, a fact of reality changed my life forever and I'm so not exaggerating.
I remembered it as a rather fine Monday morning and I was nearly late for morning assembly. Nothing ominous, not even anything close. Ran into CT and co-CT: "She's here. Follow me after morning assembly." SHIT. Before I knew it, the four of us followed co-CT into a meeting room and the truth was just laid out like that. Just that none of us wants to face the fact, still bearing a little hope here and there. I started frantically smsing people and telling them about it when I was still rational. Then everything went past in a blur. Called my parents, see VP etc. Came out of GO, saw Yanling, Jingles, Erik, Jiayan, Cheryltan and Livia. Almost all of them were crying. I would never forget that moment, NEVER. Not even if I get dementia when I grow old. I've never felt so powerless and helpless in my entire life. The ultimate Qinyan with wonderful social skills just felt so, so helpless and guilty. I was just in no position to calm them when I was like shit myself. For a moment, we all just hugged and cried altogether. It was at that time when every little moment I spent with every single one of them just flashed past my mind really fast and I couldn't stop crying. It felt like something that people get to experience when they are about to die. Maybe that was when my soul was dying. After a while, they started to rattle on and discuss about what I can do from then on, exploring all the possible alternatives etc. That's when I began to realise I can't live without all my friends. I just can't imagine how some people can survive without friends, seriously. Asked my parents for permission to stay in school for a while. Walked around school with them to reflect think hard about everything and we finally sat down on the third floor in the PE block. Went to the canteen for lunch, bad news spread really fast. People came up to me asking me if I'm okay and everytime I would just break down, guess I was really emotionally unstable then. But sensibly speaking, it was really too much. I remember Jolyn coming up to me, crying really badly. I've never seen her so sad before. Not even when she got back O Level HCL result slip, I felt so sorry and guilty. I've never expected that my problem could so much sadness and harm to the people around me. But the feeling really sucks when you stop moving together with the current batch that you've been with for almost five years.
From then on was half a month of buffer period, was really busy with PW and apart from busy appealing, I slowly got used to the whole idea. I've been thinking a lot and I would like to sincerely apologise to my family, friends and everyone around me who cares about me and whom I care about. And thankyou all for willing and being able to accept my current state.
I guess one reason why I could bring myself to blog about it is that I'm ready to face life as it is, and not think and act like the carefree and happy-go-lucky Qinyan everyone knows me as. This is a really bad fall and I don't like it, I mean which idiot will like it seriously. But I've learnt a lot within the one month and I'm serious. I've learnt that there are consequences to everything you do, good or bad. And eventually, you are the one who's responsible for whatever you've done and you're the one who has to face the consequences cause only you can be responsible for whatever that has happened anyway. No one can take your place whatsoever. It's when horrible things like that happen when you learn to realise how you've been taking all the things you've always had and all the people who care about you and are always around you for granted and how you actually can't live without them.
People around me say I've changed quite a bit within this one month: I've lost my energy, my usual bubbliness, and that I've matured quite a bit. They didn't make it sound like a good change, but I guess there's no use making a big fuss out of it. I expected things to turn out this way. Life goes on, and I have to move on so that I won't be left behind even more. I guess wounds need time to heal, so one fine day I'll still be able to bounce back to my real self.
Another thing: I had the awesomest birthday ever even though 17 is an ugly number but I felt really loved. Mm I'll post photos another time when I'm too free and have nothing better to do. WOULD YOU'ALL PLEASE JUST STOP.
OMG FOR ONCE I DREAMT OF STUDYING.
Looks like I'm getting stressed for the first time in the whole of Year 2009. I suppose that's a good thing since promos is nearing? But like everyone says, you still have to do something about the stress, if not what's the point?
/Edit
And you know you totally suck. First I dream of you, now I can even dream of your friend. Or maybe there's something wrong with me, shitz.
LAST SCHOOL DAY OF THE TERM: (Guess how amazingly I spent it)
1st AMAZING THING I DID: Reached school at 3.10pm to hand in my epic fail EOM.
2nd AMAZING THING I DID: Inconsiderately called Yanling to get out of her house (when she was already comfortably at home mugging) to go SOMEWHERE to 'study'.
3rd AMAZING THING I DID: Told her to go PS Starbucks when there aren't any seats left.
4th AMAZING THING I DID: Suggested that we go Esplanade Library instead. (Reason: Cause it's pretty)
5th AMAZING THING I DID: Wasn't sane while walking through Citylink and therefore got pounced on by Melody and Nicholas. (Thanks for giving me a shock of my life, you wonderful THINGS)
6th AMAZING THING I (or rather, WE) DID: Mugged in Esplanade Library for LESS THAN AN HOUR (Reason: Cause the library was about to close)
In conclusion, THANKYOU BFF. <3
This is what happens when two extremely polite individuals who are extremely bored and/or sian of studying start smsing each other: THEY (almost) NEVER STOP.
Wanted to include an excerpt of those messages full of funny shit but decided not to, lazyy heh. Anyway, freak 43/44 days left to promos and I'm still not catching up and I just wasted another weekend on PW, wow. And currently I feel like shit, but still slightly reflective though that's why I'm blogging. Hmm celebrating Erik's birthday later, excitinggg.(Shhh) :D
MR LYON: "Oh Qinyan! It's good to know that you actually exist!" (Y)
Anyway it's been more than one whole month since I've last blogged. Apparently lots of stuff have happened as always.
The GOOD:
Hmm not much, maybe just that I AM CURRENTLY IN THE AWAKENED MODE. (Y) And I finally FINALLY came to my senses and realised that I was in default mode all along after going through JeremyNg's very sincere lecture.
The BAD:
Okay by now, I've already passed the period of sadness/regret whatsoever but still, MY CT RESULTS WERE DISGUSTINGLY HORRENDOUS. I deserved it anyway, didn't really bother to study, SLAP MYSELF.:/ And close friends around me are getting attached one after another, wah sian. It's not that I'm jealous or whatever, in fact I'M EXTREMELY HAPPY FOR THEM, really. Just that I'm feeling a few gaping holes and a certain level of emptiness in my circle of friends at times but oh well, I guess some things can't be helped. They just happen.
I've learned quite a great deal after going through several ups and downs for the past few weeks. Was a little emotionally unstable and fell ill. Flu and fever. D: WHO WANT H1N1 COME TO ME HOHO. Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who comforted, encouraged and cheered me up for the past few weeks. JINGLES, ERIK, YANLING, JIAYAN, LIVIA, MENGXIA, CANDICE and whoever I left out: THANKYOU FOR BENG THERE FOR ME AND ALL. <3
I realise I didn't announce some wonderful news: YANYU IS BACK. YES SHE IS BACKKKKK. :DDD
/Edit
I AM GOING TO ACE PROMOS I TELL YOU.
